Forgiveness.
That's a heavy word. And oddly an action that will lighten your spirit.
I read a blog today that said it's not a "do it and move on" kind of action, but a daily decision. Moving past the hurt, letting go of the pain. Today I may be able to do that, tomorrow I'll probably have to do it all over again. Eventually it will become less frequent. I hope.
Revisiting the hurt every time I see her. Worrying out last communications over and over.
Eventually finding little reasons to rejoice that our relationship is no longer a relationship. It is a non-relationship. We see each other, we pretend we don't know each other.
It can be no other way. Too many outside factors.
After last week's news, I have to be just a little bit thankful. I won't be required to walk with her through her next pregnancy. My obligation is a non-obligation. After her last pregnancy, the honor and the extreme pain of being there for her ultrasound, stifling my grief while celebrating her joy, screaming my pain into my pillow that night, squeezing the Build A Bear that holds the cremains of my child while she cradles her life-swollen belly. I played the good friend, she never suspected.
I take comfort that I won't have to shoulder the friendship mantle this time. I don't know who that responsibility falls to. And I really don't care.
Today I forgive, and breathe. Tomorrow is another day.
